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2004-11-03 - 7:21 p.m.

Later that same day.........


Turns out that I have had a brief reprieve from the onslaught of structural/technological changes at work and am breathing easy. Just for a half hour, so I will further my complete lack of entries with a more detailed update. Home is not so breathe - easy-ish, I have begun the arduous task of re-setting my studio into a more ergonomically sound and sonically robust environment, PAINFUL.

My Delicious has just returned from a week in Portugal. A breather I welcomed as I always battle with the lethargy that stems from complacency (wait, they are the same things aren't they? SHIT) anyway. My point is that I worry so that as we spend so many years together, doting and lapping up each others whimsy in a constant state of "honeymoon", that we become stale and irritable at our own nuonces. It vexes me greatly.

I spent a good 4 days out of touch with the whole world, it was wonderful. This country is fast moving indeed (insert plenty of jokes about which way it's moving after such a dreadful end to an election promise of newness and change - - not my bag to get into, strike that entirely) and the pace I have found tends to stress me after a while. Sure it's taken 5 years to really understand what it is, but I better understand my breaking point and what I need to do to relax now. Mental health is as crucial to survival as the physical and I know my physical health has been improving (Tequila and THC aside) but my mental health, well, anyone who reads these pages can answer that one!!!

My love for my Delicious thankfully has not waned, not one teensy bit. When we saw each other at the airport on Monday it was truelly like the days of Yore. When we would be traversing the continents to see each other after emailing like mad for months at a time. Ho Hum.

Cannot decide what to do with work. Pressure to perform better and take on new and more complicated obstacles beckons but to what end? the age old painful tug of war I have with devoting my entire energy into what I do to earn money, or what I do to feel complete and happy is a tug of war I am so fucking fed up with. Dedicating my power to work would indeed help my career ten fold and push me further into a hugely successful and rewarding lifestyle no doubt but I cannot help but become dissolusioned on a regular basis with my want to perform, to produce, to create. So far, in my life, the pleasure and comfort from such endevours gives me so much more joy and satisfaction than any pay check.

Yet here I sit, smug and more than a little content in our 3 bedroom house, 45 minutes from New York City ETC ETC ETC. ("this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife....")


so.

Told you I would spill.

Anyone got a mop?

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Wane - Wax

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